I am still feeling a bit sick. I am still sore from my bilateral breast biopsies. My son has been sick for over two weeks, has been out of school for much of it, and has needed two different medications multiple times a day. I am the primary caregiver and the medication administrator. My husband is down and out sick and has taken over the living room. He hasn’t been able to work, nor has he been physically able to help as much around the house as he usually does. I have had to run all errands outside of the house. I have been sleeping in the guest room, because my husband has been both loud and gross with all his symptoms. I have not yet heard about the results of my biopsies, so I still have no idea whether I have cancer or not.
“Angie! You must be so stressed!”
No. That simply has not been my experience. I am not special or superhuman. I don’t have a “calm disposition” or an “upbeat personality.” I don’t have an infinite well of patience at my disposal. Maybe the answer to this (if there is one) lies in what I LACK…
I am currently lacking a believable story that’s telling me all of this shouldn’t be happening.
I’m lacking the capacity to be drawn in by the mind’s attempts to pull me back into the past of when everyone was healthy. That is not the reality of NOW, and there is no belief here in the phantoms of memory.
I’m lacking the desire to be dragged into a nightmare of the future and all the difficult things that might come to pass. That is not the reality of NOW.
In the reality of NOW, everything is as it is. What is happening is happening. It is not up for debate. Life doesn’t get anything wrong; it simply IS.
I am filled with gratitude that my son has a healthy, functioning immune system that is getting a much needed workout. I am grateful he has a caring medical team that prescribed him medication that is helping him heal. I am thankful I can afford and access the medicine, and that I have the capacity to administer it each day.
I am grateful my husband is getting the rest he needs to see him through this illness. I’m so glad we have a comfortable couch for him to use to convalesce. I think it’s amazing that I am physically well enough to keep up with the housework without too much trouble and to run the errands that are supplying the household with necessities. I am immensely thankful for our guest room with its comfortable bed so that both I and my husband can get the quality sleep we so desperately need to heal.
I am grateful that I was able to have my breast biopsies and that I will have access to the pathology information when it’s ready. I’m thankful for the amazing medical team that cared for me. If I have cancer, I already have it, whether I know about it or not. Worrying will not make the information come faster. If I have cancer, that amazing medical care will probably be available to me every step of the way.
When I stay HERE in the reality of the moment, there are no problems. There is only gratitude.
So, no, I’m not stressed. It seems to me that stress might come from (innocently) believing stories about the past and the future. Maybe it comes from a mind’s comparisons. Maybe it comes from buying into all the “shoulds” and “what ifs”. At this moment, I can see all that pretty clearly. In another moment, I probably won’t. For now, though, I’m going to be with this gratitude, because that’s what’s here now.
*UPDATE*: The breast biopsies were negative: no cancer. Everyone healed. Life moved along.